dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
