You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I didn't notice because vodka
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
