My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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