When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
