shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
