i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize