The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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