Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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