tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
