i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
