You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
