he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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