When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
