my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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