i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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