I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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