Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
