I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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