just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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