if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
