i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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