I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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