I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
