This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
