So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
