How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
