Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
