Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
