she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
