haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
