She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
