the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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