I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
