you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
