I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
