Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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