halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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