The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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