I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
