I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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