So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
