I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I had to cum in my sink.
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