I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
