i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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