I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
