Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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