Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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