Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
