We're like a lot better than the average bears
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
