So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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