dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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