peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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