We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
