I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
