Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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