I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
