Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
