Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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