It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't deserve a penis
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
